MOSFILM
ABSOLUTELY SERIOUS
Experimental Studio of Comedy Film ALMANAC #1
1961
Hello, comrades.
Our Comedy Studio asked me to give you a short excursion around the movie studio
All of you like comedies, but not all know how they are made.
I am Filippov, Sergei Nikolayevich.
And if you don't mind, then... Welcome.
Let me tell you how it all is made... Hello.
Since we are talking about a comedy... Hello.
Intonation in this case plays a big role as one can say each phrase differently.
For example: It is being MADE? Or: It IS being made?
Or: IT is being made?
But still, comedies are being made... - Hello. - Hello.
In the basis of every movie is... What? The screen-play.
We are in the screen-play writers' department.
Do you hear? They are working with the author right now.
I don't know how his screen-play was created, but I know very well how Robinson was created.
I. Ilf and Ye. Petrov: HOW ROBINSON WAS CREATED. Skit.
Producer - Eldar Ryazanov
Cast:
Editor - Anatoliy Papanov Writer - Sergei Filippov
The editorial office of illustrated magazine "Adventure Lot"
was feeling the lack of written works that would be able to attract attention of young readers.
Editorial Office Portfolio.
There were some works, but they were not quite right. "7 Days Inside A Shark"
There was too much drooling seriousness in them. "In Anaconda's Grip"
"Flying Dishes" To tell the truth, they darkened the souls of young readers instead.
And the editor wanted to draw their attention.
But what if I invite Moldovantzev and order a novel with continuation from him?
And next day writer Moldovantzev was already sitting in the editor's office.
You see, my dear, it has to be entertaining, fresh and full of interesting adventures.
In other words, it has to be a... Soviet Robinson Crusoe.
So that the reader won't manage to tear their eyes off it.
- Robinson... Hmm.. It can be done. - But not just Robinson, but SOVIET Robinson.
Of course. What other? Not Turkish, for sure!
The writer wasn't a talkative man. One could tell at once that he was a man of action.
On the one hand, Moldovantzev didn't stray far away from the famous original.
Robinson is Robinson, after all.
On the other hand, he brought the indestructible power of his own imagination into the new novel.
A Soviet young man gets into a ship wreck.
The waves bring him to an uninhabited island.
He is alone, defenceless against great nature.
He's surrounded by dangers - animals, vines, the upcoming rain season.
But our Robinson, full of energy, overcomes all obstacles, which seemed to be insuperable.
He holds victory over nature. He built a little house, surrounded it with a green ring of vegetable patches,
started breeding bunnies and taught his parrot to wake him up with:
"Attention! Throw off your blanket, throw off your blanket! We're beginning morning exercises."
The novel was obviously turning out to be good. And it was ready by the dead-line.
It is very good. And the mention of bunnies is just magnificent. And very contemporary.
But you see, I don't quite understand the main idea of the novel.
Well, the fight of a man with nature.
Well, yes. But there's nothing modern in there.
What about the parrot? I used it to substitute a radio. It's an experimental transistor.
Well, the parrot is good. And the ring of vegetable patches is good.
But... There is no feeling of society in there.
- Where for example is... - What? - The local party committee. The ruling role of trade union?
What does the local party committee have to do with it?
The island is after all... uninhabited.
Yes, you are completely right. It's uninhabited.
But... There HAS to be the local party committee.
No, I'm not an artist of word, but in your place...
I would put it in.... As a modern element.
But the whole plot is based on the island being uninhabi...
- Well... - Well...
But you know, you are right. Really, why didn't I think about it to begin with?
It just... didn't come to me.
No, really. Two people survive the ship wreck - our Robinson and the head of the local party committee.
- And two free members... - Oh! - No "Oh!". Two free members and one female activist.
The collector of payments from the members.
- Why do we need the collector? Who will she collect from? - From Robinson.
- The head of the committee can collect from Robinson. He won't die from it.
You are mistaken here, comrade Moldovantzev. It's completely not allowed.
The head of the local party committee cannot deal with such small matters
as running around and collecting payments from members.
We are fighting against that! He has to perform managing work!
You are right. Then we'll put the collector in too.
It's even good. Because then she could marry the head of the committee. Or even Robinson.
It'll be more interesting to read.
I wouldn't advise that. Don't go as low as the trash literature, that unhealthy erotics.
Let her just collect the payments and keep them in a... fire-proof safe.
Excuse me, but there can be no fire-proof safes on an uninhabited island.
Hmmm... Wait a second. You have a wonderful spot there in the first chapter.
In addition to Robinson and the members of the committee the waves bring different things to the shore.
An axe, a carbine, salt, a keg of rum and a bottle of anti-scurvy medicine.
OK, cross the rum out, and then what is that bottle of anti-sc...arvy medicine?
Who needs that? Better it be an ink bottle. And, for sure, the fire-proof safe.
Why are you so obsessed about the safe? The payments can be easily stored in... the hollow in baobab.
- Who will steal them there? - What do you mean who? What about Robinson?!
Or the commission on assigning the living quarters?!
- What? They also survived? - They did.
- Then maybe the waves also brought a conference table? - Of course.
We have to create work conditions for people. The table, the water pitcher, the bell, the table cloth.
The wave can bring any table cloth you like - red, green... As you see, I'm not restricting the artist's work.
But what you have to do first of all, my dear, is to show masses - large numbers of working class.
The waves cannot bring masses! That is against the plot.
Just think about it - the waves bring several dozens thousands of people to the shore!
HENS even would laugh at that!
By the way, some amount of healthy soul-cleansing laughter will never be bad.
- No, the waves cannot do that. - But why waves?
But how then do the masses get to the island? The island is UNINHABITED!
But who told you it's uninhabited?
No, you are really confusing me. Everything is clear. Say, there's an island...
Or even a peninsula. It's less trouble that way.
And several entertaining, fresh and most interesting adventures take place there.
Work within the trade unions is being done, sometimes maybe even not quite enough of it.
The female activist finds several problems with collecting the payments from the members.
The wide masses and the repented head of committee help her.
And in the end we'll give them an all-present meeting.
It will be very effective from the artistic point of view.
And... That's it.
And what about Robinson?
It's good that you reminded me. Robinson is what bothers me.
Just throw him out entirely. He's just a ridiculous and unjustifiable figure of a whiner.
Well... All right... It'll be ready tomorrow.
Very well! Go and create! Create! Go!
Good luck!... And by the way. There's a ship wreck in the beginning of your novel.
You know, the wreck is not neccessary. Let there be no ship wreck.
It'll be more entertaining that way. Right? Good bye.
Now I will have a real entertaining and very artistic work!
Mashenka, you cut out the most interesting piece.
Sergei Nikolayevich, it's not me - it's the director.
- But why? - He says that the flow of the composition is broken by it.
- Where is the tape? - Here. - Can you show me? - Lyuda, could you put it in please?
A Soviet young man gets into a ship wreck.
The waves bring him to an uninhabited island.
He is alone, defenceless against great nature.
"Rum", "Anti-scurvy medicine"
He's surrounded by dangers - animals, vines, the upcoming rain season.
But our Robinson, full of energy, overcomes all obstacles, which seemed to be insuperable.
He holds victory over nature. He built a little house, surrounded it with a green ring of vegetable patches,
started breeding bunnies. He made himself clothes out of monkeys' tails.
And he taught his parrot to wake him up with:
"Attention! Throw off your blanket, throw off your blanket! We're beginning morning exercises."
And in three years, a scientific expedition finds him.
- Here you go. - And all this didn't make it into the movie? - No.
Well, I'll go to the critics conference then. They're just reviewing a movie.
A new comedy from this almanac.
- Comrade...
Today we've gathered here in order to view and discuss films, comedy films.
Rostislav Plyatt in movie joke:
A Story With Pastries.
Cast:
Customer - R. Plyatt
Store Director - G. Georgiu
Department Manager - B. Novikov
Section Manager - E. Treivas
Cashier - S. Kharitonova
Woman In The Line - Rina Zelyonaya
- Citizen, take a basket, please. - Thank you.
- Are you last in the line? - Me. - I'll be next.
Next. I see cocoa, I see ruff paste, I see peanut cake. 3.15, please.
- Excuse me. - Oh, of course.
6.34. Next.
Here's 10 copecks.
For what? I don't see anything.
For two pastries.
Well, first take the pastries and then pay.
- I already took them. - Then where are they?
- I ate them. - What? How'd you eat them? - How? Just like that. Put them in my mouth and um...
Comrades, I don't have time for jokes, I have a line here. Next.
I'm sorry. Excuse me. Please, take the ten copecks from me.
- For what? - For two pastries. - But I told you already - first take the pastries and then pay.
- I already took them. - Then where are they? - I ate them.
But, you see, I cannot take money for products that I don't see.
- Why is he stuck there? I don't understand. Very strange! - Just take his money!
- So what? I should leave without paying? - If you wish.
Comrades, dear comrades, I'm in a hurry. I want to pay, but they don't take my money.
They don't take his money! Did you every see money not being taken?
- What's the matter? - I want to pay. - Tonechka, this comrade wants to pay.
- For what? - For what? - For two pastries. - For two pastries.
- And where are they? - And where are they? - You see, I ate them. - He ate them.
Wait, what do you mean you ate them?
Well, just like that. Put in my mouth and... Like that.
You are joking. Tonechka, this comrade is joking.
I'm not joking. I'm in a hurry.
Just one minute. I was watching him. I don't know how many exactly he ate,
but, in any case, he was constantly chewing something.
- Shame on you! - Shame on me?
If so, I'll write a complaint! Give me the Book of Complaints!
Excuse me, but what are you going to write about? It's you who ate the pastries and not us.
(Cashier) - Writer! - Tonechka! - I'm not a writer. I'm a philologist. - Comrade Philonov!
Follow me, please. - Yes, of course. - Here, please. - Yes.
- Here... - What?
We cannot watch everybody. After all, we cannot put you on a scale before entrance and then as you leave.
Or flash you with X-rays. Or... - But I WANT to be X-rayed! - What?
Yes. Put me on the scale before and after. Take my stomach juices for analyses. Call the experts. I demand it!
Follow me please. Georgiy Aleksandrovich. This comrade wants to pay and we want to get...
- There seems to be a discrepancy. - Just a trifle. You see...
Such small problems spoil our health. Take a seat. Sit down, sit down...
- Smoke? - Thank you, I quit.
- Here you go. - Thank you. I wish everyone was like you.
Our motto is "Trust". Everything is in the open here.
See? Take it, put it in, go and pay. Everything's for you.
Yes, I like it very much. And I want to pay.
Haste and rush are all not neccessary, wasteful.
Of course, you'll pay. But in its good time.
Right now it's 7 p.m. We'll close the store at eight, count the left-overs.
If we're two pastries short, then you're welcome to pay.
But what if you are missing a jar of jelly, then what?
It not polite. It's not polite to make fun of food industry employees.
Comrade customer. Comrade customer. - But you see, his kight moved from F-4 to G-6.
- Let's go count the left-overs. - Just a minute. - What is it? What is so interesting here?
Let's go count the left-overs. - Yes, of course. In a sec.
Here you go. Follow me please. - Excuse me. - What is it?
I got so attached to it already. - Here you go. Please.
Welcome, our dear customer. Watch. Observe. - Yes, it's very interesting.
If something seems wrong, make your suggestions. Find a seat for the comrade. Here you go.
- Wonderful! Ivan Zenovyevich, it's all right. We are two pastries short. - Two pastries.
Georgiy Aleksandrovich, all products are here, except that we, like we thought, are missing the two pastries.
- It's wonderful! - It happens.
He's sleeping. - Comrade... - Comrade customer. - Comrade Philonov, here's your hat.
- I don't need change. - No, no, that's to the register.
Comrade customer, you had a chance to see that the system without an over-the-counter sales person is working perfectly.
Everything is correct, you need to pay for two pastries. No, no, not to me - to the register.
Tonechka, please take the payment from the comrade for two pastries.
Tonechka, hurry, please.
- Please, here's ten copecks. - All right.
Take the receipt.
Give me the receipt.
Do come back.
Everyone is free to go.
Pastries! Hot fried pastries! Hot fried pastries with jelly!
FOREIGNERS. Skit.
Cast:
Zhora Volobuyev - V. Kulik
Zhora's mother - Mariya Mironova
Zhora's Granny - M. Kravchunovskaya
Frank - A. Belyavskiy
Edik - I. Rutberg
Mary - T. Bestayeva
Zhora! Right from the morning?!
When will you become a man? Vasya Dyerniy found a job a long time ago!
Yes, and I'll have you know he's no dumber than you.
Just keep in mind. If you get into any trouble, I won't survive it!
You teach them, bring them up and then...
Granny!
Maybe you should soap them! Your legs, that is. It'll be easier.
Ah, just go to the stairwell and work with your broom!
Go on! Go!
Well, I wonder where you are going.
There's an entertaining space related project planned.
What? What are you talking about? Speak more comprehensibly!
- Well, I'm going with some buddies to the Planetarium. - Ah! You are lying.
Last time you also said you went to the Planetarium and when you came back you smelled so strongly of wine.
You were lucky that it was me, who opened the door for you and not your Dad.
- Dad? - Yes, Dad. - La, la, la... - What? What are you scaring me for?
- But still... Where are you going? - Ah... To a job interview.
- You are lying again. - Muzzer, that's rude.
But, Zhorochka... Zhorochka... I am your Mommy, after all, I need to know where you are going.
I'll be home by lunch.
See ya... Good-bye, my melancholia baby.
- Eh, his father doesn't see... - Hm, villager!
And... Moscva and Mir and Druzhba... (Moscow and Peace and Friendship)
You.. what? Is not Russian? You not Russian?
- In fact, I am Russian. Very vell, we will speak in Russian.
I studied... A, B, V, G, D
Where?
You to understand?
That means you are an American?
OK. And what's your name?
- And who are you in general? - What's that? Who I is? - Yes.
I is the most loved son of my Papa.
And I hope your Papa there is not just a working class, ah?
A big shop.
Like Central Store here? - Welllll, the Central is...(shows "little")
- Then General Store? - Just little, little of General Store.
Frank, let's go to a cafe. Vodka, ikra... c-a-v-a-i-r. My treat.
- Vodka? - Yes. - No I can't. Very badly. My liver.
- Let's go to my house then. - Oh, your house? As guest? - Yes, as guest.
- Oh, guests is very good. Very good. - We'll talk about business and all will be OK. - Oh, business...
Listen, George. Wait for me a minute.
Here, yes.
See?
I took a States one.
Limp to my place. And grab Mary for company.
No, Aleksei Nikolayevich, I'll stop by the editing office later.
A young man here wants me to visit his house. No, not a girl, no.
Yes, I think it'll be in the interests of the paper. All right.
Hello.
Well, we are home at last. May I introduce Frank, an American.
Pleased to meet you.
And this is my muzzer.
- Muzzer is mommy in English. - I understand. I get it.
And fuzzer is Grigoriy Pavlovich, my husband. Papa. - Very good. - Hello.
Hello. Merci...
Muzzer, Mr. Frank has problems with liver.
He doesn't drink vodka and doesn't eat caviar. Make something diet.
- Then what? Cognac maybe? - Muzzer! - Kefir? Tea! - Yes.
What? Our own freeloaders ("darmoyed") weren't enough that you brought a foreign one?
- What is "darmoyed"? - It is... Well, "darmoyed" is... It's a new word meaning a buddy.
That's to me. Let's make an agreement - not a word about the garb. (shirpotreb)
And what is shir-po-treb?
Well... It's clothes, get it? The stuff...
Frank, may I introduce... This is Mary. And this is Edik. My friend.
He is joking.
He is a son of a millionaire.
Welcome.
- Your music, by the way. American. - Just listen what they do!
- Music is beautiful, ah? - Driving me crazy.
- Yes, it can... it can drive one crazy. - That's REAL Modern.
Oh, and you like Modern? Modern American art?
- It's colossal! - It's colossal! - Have you been at the American exhibition?
- Yes, we were. We all were. - Pepsi Cola!
- Oh, that? - Yes! Pepsi Cola!
- And have you seen the American sculpture... woman? "Woman" out of stone?!
- Good? - Grandiose! - Well, it's an abstract work. It speaks for itself.
Oh! You is a grammared man! Very! Very smart! Who are you?
I am... a... well... the... stomatologist.
- Oh, dentist? - Yeah! - I see. I see.
- Do you have a lot of work? - He-he... A tractor should work - it's made of iron.
- I don't understand. - I'll explain.
Well, I graduated from the school in Moscow. But got appointed to go to Barnaul.
- Far?! - Far.
And I ask you, what will I see in Barnaul in their mouths?
So you is unemployed? It is very very interesting!
There are unemployed in Soviet Union!
- Do you get government support? - His fuzzer cashes out for him and his muzzer isn't too bad either.
Thank you, I don't want any. No, no, I don't want any.
Tell me, Frank. What styles do they where there now?
Styles? That's hair?! Please. Sit down. I will to show.
- Lux! - Not bad.
It's an abstract. Super Fashion! The most fashionable!
Not bad.
- My God, how far behind we are after all! - Oh, yes. You are behind.
- Yes. - You are VERY behind. - You are right, we are very very behind. I understand.
- Muzzer! - What? Yes. You are right. You are completely right.
- What is it? What is it? - Muzzer! - But you can't do this, Zhora!
Zhora, it's very impolite to treat your mother like that when you have company.
Gentlemen, I am having a question. How much is a kilo of c-a-v-i-a-r in Moscow? Ikra?
The granular is 19. The lower quality is 13.
Thank you very much. Very good. And how much is a kilo of rye bread - black bread?
- Well, the pastries are 22 copecks... - Yes.
- But black bread... - Ten copecks approximately. - Approximately.
- We'll make sure in a second. - We'll just make sure.
Granny! How much is a kilo of black bread, ah?
A hundred roubles!
Listen, gentlemen, it's all trifles. I am interested in a different matter...
Tell me, Frank, did any women come with you?
- Oh, no. I'm alone. - What a pity. I need fabrics for a dress so much!
- Let's talk on a different topic! - What?
Why? I have parsha (louse) for your. Parsha will suit your type very well.
- You mean to say parCHa (brocade). - Oh, of course. Excuse me, of course, parcha.
Oh, Frank, let's go dance. George has such tapes - they'll drive you crazy.
All right.
Tell me, Frank, do they still dance rock-n'-roll in America?
No, the whole America is dancing rock-n'-brick!
- Rock-n'-brick? - Yes, rock-n'-brick!
- Frank! You have to show us! - You have to show! - Please show!
All right! I will to show! Gentlemen, I ask you to move the table! Prepare the room!
The gentleman and the lady lower to their quaters.
And with rhythm start going one around another.
Turn around your heads. Sit on the floor.
Jump, jump more! More! Jump! Good! Good job!
Legs higher! Legs higher!
Oh, my Lord!
Not bad! But I won't have enough pants!
Yes, you will! I will give shirpotreb to everyone!
- (Zhora yelling) Shirpotreb! - I'll give everyone trousers!
George, turn up the music, I want to see how you learned rock-n'-brick!
Walk on the wall!
Jump under the table!
Do like this - like a frog!
- Colossal! - I will to go. - I don't want you to leave!
I will to go to the hotel. I will prepare shirpotreb for you!
- Single-breasted suuuuuit... - Oh, men's suit? Three of them!
- Do you need an icon? - Yes, I do. - Do you need a balalaika? - Yes, I need balalaika!
Ok, I will wait in my room forty. Number forty, yes?
I don't need to be seen off. I will to go myself. I will go taxi.
We'll be without Mary. She can't show her face at the hotel.
- Why? - They know her there and don't let her in. - Ah, I see. I see.
Come in. Come on in! Come in!
I'll be right there.
- Listen, let spread our things. - Let's.
"Moon is shining, shining brightly..."
Hello, George, hello, Edik.
Oh, Russian music. Very good.
I'll ask for one photo - for memory.
- Well, shall we begin? - Yes, let's begin. You're welcome.
"Moscow Sewing Factory #36"
Who did you take? This is from "Komsomolka" factory!
But I don't have any others, gentlemen. A coat from Moscow, a suit from Leningrad.
Why long faces, fellas? Maybe you should dance some rock-n'-brick?!
Where are you going, foreigners?
"Foreigners" - Komsomolskaya Pravda.
People, this is the end!
BON APPETIT!
Cast:
Customer - S. Anikeyev
Waitress - M. Polbentzeva
Cashier - O. Viklandt
Can you imagine?!
He opened the bottle himself and poured all champagne behind the waiter's collar!
Throws the bottle into a mirror and they charge the waiter for the mirror, too!
Can you imagine?!
That's horrible! In what cafe did it happen?
Not in a cafe! That was loooong ago.
Did you listen to the radio today?
No. Why?
There was a wonderful program! An ex-waiter was talking. A pensioner.
And he was telling how customers were mistreating our lot.
- A waiter wasn't considered a human being. - Young lady!
- By the way, does anybody serve this table. - Not "anybody", but me.
- Very good. - For your information, a waiter is also a human being.
And I also think so.
- Well, keep telling! Go on! - He said, the rich were torturing them!
They were thinking over the menus for hours!
Complained about the table layouts, sent the waiters for beer all the time! By the baskets!
And if you are late just a second, they'll sack you right away!
- Can you imagine?! - But that's horrible! - And what did you think?
Young lady, could you please bring a bottle of beer?
Hm! Beer-gulper! He sees, doesn't he, that I'm talking with someone!
Don't tell without me!... What, you can't wait a second?
- Is it a waiting hall then? - Citizen, did you come here to eat or to criticize?
- They are waiting for me, you know. - To eat. To eat. - Then take some borsch.
I don't need borsch. I would like some fish.
Can't you read? Don't you see the little birdie across from the fish?
- Birdie? - Yes. - Good, then. Give me the birdie.
- What birdie? - Well, say chicken.
Don't you see, there's another birdie across from chicken.
Another? No, I don't need another birdie. Well... Say, some broth then?
- Do you have pastries? - We're all out. - All out.
- What about sweddish meat balls? - Out. - Out.
- And cabbage soup? Also out? - They weren't in yet.
- So what? You don't have anything at all? - Why not? The borsch.
- Ah? The borsch... - And besides, citizen, it's not old times anymore to sit over the menu long.
- Your lot ate everything - the customers. - My lot?! - Yes.
- Or maybe it was YOUR lot? - Oh, no. My lot doesn't eat here.
- Just take the borsch, citizen. - All right, bring me the borsch.
- All right. One borsch... - Do you have any cray fish? - Yes.
- Then bring ten cray fish. - 10 cray fish.
Oh, your beer is all warm. Don't you have anything colder?
There's only tea. If you don't want that I can bring you some milk.
Maksimych! Borsch - one, cray fish - ten. Milk.
It won't be long and you'll wash all you nail-polish off.
And you just keep criticizing, don't you?
And wouldn't you exchange my fork, please? This one has only two teeth.
And that's not enough for you? You should have said at once that you need a comb, not a fork.
Not a comb, but not an awl either. And you didn't give me a knife.
And one doesn't eat soup with a knife. You need to listen to lectures, citizen.
Can you imagine? If something is not their way, they spread mustard on our lot, like on hot dogs.
Can you imagine?! And if you say a word, they sack you at once.
- But that's just terrible! - And what else did he say?
He just kept saying how picky they were - this dish is not right, that one isn't.
Right, right. That one is just like that.
Here's cray fish.
- And also he said they offended waiters by tipping. - A lot? - A lot.
Young lady, may I see you for a moment?
- I don't think this is borsch. - Yes, it's borsch. - You won't exchange it for me?
- We are out of borsch now. Too late. - Too late? - Yes.
- Will you eat the cray fish? - Are they fresh? - Maybe.
And why are they already without claws?
Don't you know, citizen, that while they are alive, cray fish fight with each other?
- And the weaker ones lose their claws. You see? - I see. But maybe you could bring me the winners?
The winners are already eaten, citizen. The customers ate the winners.
- The customers? - Yes. - And you think it would be better without customers at all?
We can't be without customers. They help us reach the planned income.
- Well, if the plan... Then count. - All right.
Borsch - 35 copecks, beer - 30 copecks, cray fish - 90 copecks, milk - 20 copecks.
The milk was sour - I didn't drink it.
Then it's 30 copecks, as it's kefir already.
Total is 1.90.
- Here you are. - Thank you.
Young lady, don't you think that all this is just horrible?!
The old times were horrible, citizen. You should have listened in the morning
how an ex-waiter was talking on the radio. THAT was horrible!
Why would I listen, when it was ME talking on that radio. You see?
What is going on? In old times as a waiter I had to put up with customers,
and now as a customer I have to put up with the waiters?
Is that what you think? Ah, lady, lady!
Girls, girls! He was the one talking on the radio!
Comrade! Comrade! Why didn't you tell us at once that you were THAT waiter?
- We thought you were just a customer. - Don't you worry, now we'll serve you right away!
- It's just horrible! - Sit down please! - Take a seat!
No! It's your turn to sit now. Now I will show you how one has to serve.
(singing) - When a customer comes, I'm glad to see him. I'm glad,
I'm like a caring parent to his children, like a friend to a friend, a brother to a brother.
Welcome to the table. You'll be better here and you should go into the corner.
It's more comfortable here and prettier. And for everything to be hygienic,
I'll change the settings on the tables for all of you, while you're looking through the menu.
Not a spot and no dust on the crystal. - On the crystal.
And flowers like from a picture on the table. - On the table.
Everything is sparkling and shining. Beautiful! - Beautiful!
Cleanliness excites appetite. It does.
I'm glad to help my guests, my clients, to choose their lunch.
Like a skillful doctor to the patients, I'll give them advice.
If you are hot, then have okroshka! - Okroshka!
If you are skinny, have ragout! - Ragout?!
If you are heavy, then some peas. - Just a little.
If you are dieting, have cottage cheese. - Cottage cheese? I can't.
Then I advise you to have fresh vegetable salad.
Without vitamins, they say, you'd be too skinny, like a stick.
But taking your vitamins - A and B and C,
A citizen will acquire color in his cheeks.
I won't hold you a minute longer than needed.
I'm hurrying to you. I'm hurrying to you.
I'll serve you fish with a smile, I'll serve you duck with a joke.
Maybe I'm bringing this cutlet to someone who invented a rocket
and serving the ham to those, who are going to the Moon?!
Doesn't matter if you are working with steel or with soup,
Doesn't matter if you sew or sing.
But if you are friendly with people,
You'll find them be your friends always.
Be you a lector, an architect or a doctor, be you a pilot, or a book binder or a weaver,
Be you a cook or be you a waiter, people need your talent in every sphere.
Your attention, your wish to work, your diligence -
be you a suit maker or a musician,
Your skill, your excitement, your striving.
People need your talent everywhere!
BARBOS, THE DOG or THE UNUSUAL CROSS-COUNTRY RACE
Cast:
Old Stager - Ye. Morgunov
Coward - G. Vitzin
Moron - Yu. Nikulin
"Dynamite"
That's it.
THE END